70 things Twilight has taught me
by Advisor Irk
Summary: WARNING: This is not Pro-Twilight. I respect the fans, but I just don't like the book. Rated T for some language. Flames will be read, so don't swear to much, or I won't read and reply.
1. 43 things

(Twilight is good for you! This was written by me, a friend and a couple of online friends. Some repeat, which I'm sorry about. It _WAS_ a group job though, so it should be expected that we ended up thinking of used ideas... Enjoy.

Twilight has taught me that...

1. Skipping school is cool. Especially if your going to hang with a stalker!

2. Vampires don't burn in the sunlight. People thought they did because what they were seeing was in fact their eyes burning from the sparkles vampires give out.

3. Thunder? It's not real! Vampires create thunder by playing baseball.

4. Even in the 2000's, woman must do all the housework and cleaning AND rely on the man to do all the actual work, like earning money.

5. If you ever have a couple of nice kids wanting to be your boy/girlfriend, TURN THEM DOWN. Instead, wait for your local vampire to be attracted to your smell.

6. If you can't find true love, die, it's best to become undead. It's WAAAY more attractive, trust me.

7. Always look for the richest vampire. If you think your useless, it helps to act like a idiot

8. Go for the person who calls you weak and insecure, not the one who says your cool and strong

9. When your boy/girlfriend tries to lock you in their house before leaving town, (trust me, this happens) go ride out with your childhood friend and then come back to them sobbing when they return.

10. It's okay to be selfish cheat on your girl/boyfriend, even if your break their heart. Remember, their never gonna give you up, no matter what happens.

11. Your family is not important. Break their hearts all you want, because after you graduate, you'll never see them again.

12. Vampires can do things no one else can. Their powers do not run in the family, and it's impossible to gain these powers threw any logical way such as science.

13. If your boy/girlfriend leaves you, curl up, with your head resting gently on your knees. Don't forget to hold your own hand and put them in front of your legs. Then, Bawl your eyes out.

14. Young adult fiction: It's not just for young adults. After all, Twilight can be enjoyed by everyone ages 2.6- 9000. (Sorry those who are over 9000!)

15. When your have a child, make sure your childhood friend isn't there or they might get unofficial married to your child if the kid is the opposite gender.

16. The only road to being a vamp is to get married to one. Sorry if you wanted to be bitten, but it won't happen.

17. If your dating a vampire, it's normal for them to control you and make sure you don't have sex until your married.

18. Giving birth to a vampire is painful. It will tear you apart. But the majority of the pain is really your happiness for bringing the child into the world!

19. Two words: Clumsy=Cute. Think about it, when you drop all your books, your crush will always be the one to help you up and carry your books for you!

20. Fighting with your husband if not ever going to happen. After all, you married him for his looks fact he never gets into fights with you!

21. If someone looks good to you, your in love!

22. Your boyfriend loves you. Even if you leave him and he leaves you, you'll always be together. Awwww. Awwww....

23. People who stalk you are indeed safe to be around. Stranger danger is not applicable to those who watch you sleep.

24. Even though it was stated a gazillion times that vampires and humans cannot possibly have babies, exceptions are made when it is 'true love'

25. Glittery vampires, are vampires too

26. Just because you think someone jumped off a cliff, means you should most definitely go to the most powerful group of vampires and tell them to kill you, and at the same time get everyone who cares about you involved to be killed as well.

27. If you want to get away from everyone you know and care about, move to some cold snowy place! Nobody lives there!

28. Remember that all werewolves are native American. So if you see one on the streets, feel free to ask what their fur color is. (I'm not being racist.)

29. It's okay to fall in love with a baby, that ain't creepy at all!

30. Don't worry, if you're in love with someone, it is physically impossible to die. Fall in love with two people, especially if they are a vampire and a werewolf, and your even safer!

31. Betraying people that supported you while you were down is okay, as long the bastard that dumped you wants you back.

32. What is the safest and fastest way to brake up with a girl? Leave in the middle of the forest after you say she is not worth you.

33. Having no real friends is okay, because who needs them when you have your very own sparkly, stone skinned telepathic vampire?

34. The greatest way to ensure love is to jump off a cliff, that way when you save your sparklepire lover from killing himself, he is shirtless.

35. All the cool guys wear body glitter now, so make sure you get your special someone a gift card to bath&body works.

36. its super-duper awesome when you get dumped, and go to your best friend as a distraction, then leave him as soon as your boyfriend comes back. It plays on their heart-strings, ladies.

37. When you try to attract a guy, make sure you keep your voice clear of emotions and personality. Its the bland girls they like.

38. Werewolves are NOT child friendly.

39. Paper cuts are terribly dangerous. Don't ever get one, 'cause then every vampire in the world will try to eat you.

40. A great way to name your child is to combine you're real mom who raised you's name and some random vampire chick's name whom you've just met. Renesmee, isn't it beautiful? *eyeroll*

41. Your sparkly-pire will always know where you are. It's in inborn sense.

42. (for guys) By sprinkling yourself with glitter and wearing red eye contacts, you instantly have every girl in the world chasing you.

43. All vampires play baseball. Should you ever become one, you must be sure that you know this sport.


	2. The new list in town

( THE PATH TO THE NORTH IS BLOCKED BY ICE. YOU'LL NEED THE VAMPIRE )

44. Your first boyfriend will be your last, because you'll marry them and live happily ever after.

45. When your legally an adult, you should get married right away with the one you wanted to marry for years.

46. You will have a guaranteed near-death experience for every year you date a Sparklepire.

47. When you're new at school, your class is bond to love you so much, that multiple nice, okay looking kids will want to date you.

48. Make sure to try to kill yourself in a relaxing vacation spot, such as Italy.

49. Every time you go out to town, it's bond to become a date with your boyfriend, who happens to go to the same town at the same time as you.

50. In response to number 49, it's good that he shows up, because your life is going to be in danger in a few minutes anyway.

51. If your boyfriend is not able to die for you, even if you are yet to start dating, dump them and find someone else.

52. It's okay if your boyfriend might secretly be Santa Clause.

53. Sometimes not thinking can get you good things- like your own sparklepire!

54. If you ever get stuck with a problem you should be able to solve, don't. Instead, call on the local vampire to do the work. They are, after all, the greatest and most gentle problem solvers around.

55. If someone doesn't eat their lunch, they no doubt can't because they're a vampire.

56. If both you and the person you're dating/in love with want something that you could do, you won't do it.

57. Always put out off today what a vampire can do tomorrow.

58. Chances are, you'll pick the bestest and strongest vampire for a boyfriend. Did I mention it was by chance?

59. Sometimes, its best to seduce your friend to gain knowledge about that hot vampire you met the other day.

60. When all else fails, use someone else to do the hard work. Then take the credit by finishing their work when they aren't looking.

61. Live every day like it was your last da- not wait, you're immortal and can't die. Even though you're a mortal.

62. Don't worry, nothing bad can ever kill you because you have a sparklepire who makes it seem like you're the immortal and they're the mortal.

63. Children are a form of torture.

64. The more mutated a child, the quicker it will grow!

65. High school teachers and workers have bad memories, enabling local vampires to go to the school for year after year without notice.

66. In response to number 65, Vampires will never get bad grades,which would come with an accuse to be going to the school for so many years.

67. Werewolves are not werewolves.

68. Necrophilia is not always bad.

69. Sometimes it's okay to give up your friendships, family relations, your life in general and your school grades to get the vampire.

70. Attractive men ALWAYS end up being bloodthirsty killers. Like you care.


End file.
